the most intense dreams are coming in, between my ears; and all i do is sleep.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
every year i change, and i cannot wait for this one to start. i have purged 99% of negative head demons in the purely dysfunctional holmdel residence. i'm glad i can leave my mess here and go to my home renewed. i have until the 1st to get myself ordered. i put aside january's rent and it's going to be really tight until the semester starts. i have a lot of reading to do & weight to lose so i'm sure i won't even notice the small pockets of the month. my dad got my jung's redbook for a belated birthday present; i'm absorded.
he told me he's trying out his beard trimmer, i'm extremely nervous. fur? my grandma wants me to come to cluj. adria's playlist has miss tk & the revenge? i didn't see my mom since the 23rd? my mom finally came back from ac and tried to put liquor in my jasmine tea? the i watched gummo with adria? everything is in an illogical blender of a world.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
but i keep checking to see if my professor emailed me back; an incomplete in biochem is giving me nightmares every time i doze off. i was supposed to go to lauren's birthday dinner, hopefully cate will give her my wishes. davey's only eating out of my hand and its getting annoying, but at least that makes one of us. moon pix has been on repeat for over 24 hours. being sick is the worst, i have nothing to do but feel bad i'm not being productive. cate, laura visit me.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
he spoke, i listened. i spoke a lot more and simultaneously googled up kupffer cells and other cellular players. next dog: kupffer the scruffpup. he will not look like this:
but maybe he will phagocytize weaker animals in my next apartment (the liver). this is exam is going to play out like candyland.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
studying is the only thing i should have/will be from now on be doing instead of enjoying all the greatest group of friends. almost all of everyones christmas presents have come in, so i can focus for a few more days. jillian gave me the best compliments about this one.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
if you could only see the beast you made of me
i held it in but now it seems you set it running
screaming in the dark, i hunt when we're apart
drag my teeth across your chest to taste your beating heart
my fingers claw your skin, try to tempt my way in
you are the moon that breaks the night for which i have to howl
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
protein shakes are more time efficient in this stress war with due dates. my mother figured this out and i am oh so thankful. i'm probably going to put on some more weight but! i feel full all day, no acid reflux and it's a soy/pea/rice blend of vegetable protein flavored like chai equalling deliciously cozy warms. did i mention i microwave it for 2 minutes? it creates a foamy top. seven minutes past my walk to the bus. my car has been making funny noises.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
december 1st has the ball rolling: new boots, fresh laundry, antibiotics & inhalers, christmas cards, signed into a new kaplan program 1.03.10 with new mcat date 4.17.10, 3/4 christmas shopping done & out of my mailbox into my closet, rent mailed, letter mailed to 19146, netflix lost, a bag of oranges, and mucho concentration.
O! and sunday, i saw mr.fantastic fox with my little russian snowflake and my baltimore favorites.
and this is cate:
+three weeks, i'm going to be that happiest pup. design*sponge fanasties will do 'til then. now back to oxidative phosphorylation, tea and real life.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
i am sitting in my room listening to the girl john has over. her voice, her stories make me want to reach for a screwdriver and smack it into my skull. this is dramatic, drawing from the fact that i am a little lonely, with mounts of schoolwork i need to complete. this isn't focusing.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
anna came over and we made baby vegan pumpkin cheesecakes, along with spinach artichoke gnocchi: all vegan, all cozy. we snuggled up to a nick park frame of mind//mine, tiny bunnies lovin' veg. i want a family. summer 2010: new place. now back to the reality of reading interviews with less moping.
my dad just called and it literally made me sick. i threw up whatever bile & banana was in my stomach.
i am on my living room floor surrounded my mike kelley interviews and the exhibition catalogue. i am callous to the vibrations since everyones texting thanks, but then it start to ring. i hesitate. i anticipate this being an awkward conversation. it turned out even more awkward than imaginable. he tells me he just left the church group where they spending their mornings with the elderly at some nursing home in keansburg. it seems like he's just sharing his days, i sigh. too early for relief. then he asks me to come home. i tell him, "no daddy, i'm knee deep in writing and i have two papers to string together by monday and i need to concentrate." then he gets all blown up and proud, asks who i am writing on and offers to come to my apartment to help me sort out my thoughts and discuss jung's red book that he's getting me for christmas. i feel disgustingly pushed and baited for his sake of being lonely. i keep repeating how i need to concentrate and how i basically forgot today was thanksgiving. i fed him some half bullshit about today being a great day for self-reflection since everything is closed and the capitalistic machine allows us some rest. he buys it, painfully. i can hear he is lonely. i am selfish, but setting my foot into that house especially with my sister and mother being gone parallels to the pain of a bear trap. he says he needs me to come home tomorrow to watch the dogs 'cause he has a lot of appointments... i hold my ground and repetitively say i have to concentrate on these deadlines and produce something of value. i hardly get work done in that depressing place. i reassure him if its an emergency, i will pause my writing and look after the pups. i know he only have 2 appointments one at 1 & 6 which he can totally come home in between. i know it's just a reason to make me as miserable as he feels, thus giving him some solace. he talks about my mom abandoning us. i want to cry and hang up. i don't do either. i steady myself for his sake. he's really upset i'm not going to see him. i tell him i threw up last night, throat is sore, my head hurts and driving is not an option. his voice shows he understands. he steps out of himself. he acts like a father for less than a minute. i enjoy it. he says "enjoy your writing and peace of mind." i answer, "you too. bye daddy."click.
i wish i was better, but the reality is that i am not; neither is he. one day soon, i'll be strong enough to uncart his burdens and carry them myself. soon is debate-able, one day is concrete. i want to say we are polar opposites, sadly that is not the case. i hope there is no way you can read this.
there is girl who stands just an inch above five foot and she is my mental lighthouse, a sea angel of sorts.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
and it has been the first time in 2 months i've read something non-school related. this wasn't a slightly erotic novel, but a very. every gallery we went to was addressing highly sexual context, one, eric fischl, had to do with bullfighting. i took a lot of pictures; particularly partly. they will be posted after this nap that will began in 5 minutes. i bought a mike kelley catalog, this 5 dollar coffee, and a 17 dollar round trip. i experienced the work of richard serra, mike kelley (le'duh), joseph beuys, robert motherwell!, steve gianakos, beth cavener stichter, bill viola, and a dozen more who didn't stick as much. and to add a current dimension, i miss 5 people, digit like.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
dear adorable tiny girl at the rexb stop today,
i saw the other skinny girls giving you a hard lookover. they seemed real jealous, evil-spirited. you stand about 4'10 and are itty bitty in the natural way- in the petite mini mouse way, not olsen twin. i hope you don't notice them. i hope you had an awesome day.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
in the quiet center, there was
a new hope for humanity,
discs for a re-educational cure.
lamed conversations followed
about steak dinners and big
eject, and put anew.
back to studying, missing my
little lady; especially since
anthropologie sent me a cozy
winter image to my inbox
new black and whites, ideas
new $$$ to save, new boot, coat, and tights
just had a very insightful typo;
black is absence to me not all inclusive,
maybe a little of everything.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
beets, pretty interesting vegetable. we use it in romanian cooking - a lot, but my parents drench it in horseradish & garlic. so i've never really known how a warm, sweet beet tastes: A+ which is kind of related to the B i have in biochemistry. both grades have me excited. we've been studying all day and it's going to continue 'til the late pm hours. netflix tonight! cate get ova' here already. just kidding - i can wait - i need major concentration time for another 5 hours. oh, this morning i was invited to mentor high schoolers through a UMDNJ program. young eager minds are so wonderful. yay@future society.
happy birthday kwame! ily (for the 3rd time.)
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
[They’ve found that pigs are among the quickest of animals to learn a new routine, and pigs can do a circus’s worth of tricks: jump hoops, bow and stand, spin and make wordlike sounds on command, roll out rugs, herd sheep, close and open cages, play videogames with joysticks, and more. For better or worse, pigs are also slow to forget. “They can learn something on the first try, but then it’s difficult for them to unlearn it,” said Suzanne Held of the University of Bristol. “They may get scared once and then have trouble getting over it.”]
some people have remarked that my life goal of owing a farm would be silly and full of too many unpleasant things. i, however, will not be deterred. chickens, sheep, bees and pigs - all friends - no slaughter. eggs, wool and honey will be harvested with the upmost love. sorry cate, i know you'll be an old vegan when this becomes my reality.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
because i believe he stands the best. i felt he's more human than corzine and christie, who i think are the wooooorst. unfortunately, my parents don't agree and have been giving me pure verbal hell for thinking about it. i voted at 2:30pm. the outcome was a lie. i had to lie to them. i couldn't shallow any other belief than my own. i really do feel awful about it, especially cause i am on a whole 'take all the consequences of your actions no matter how shitty' attitude. but my parents are so delicate. what kind of world am i living in?
i hate how i wrote this.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
the dampiness of today makes me think of newts
tiny paddling legs and even tinier eyes
tiny pink branched gills
drawing a biochemical parallel to dextrans
and the complications of homopolysaccharide folding
chitin has beta linkages tooth bacteria has alpha
i think of being a newt
with a velvet underbelly
swimming against the rippling of raindrops
towards the sweet decay of tree roots
seeking your sole comfort
with branching gills.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
my dad peek through my doorway this morning; it was most unexpected, while simultaneously and unconsciously most needed. i could fill a fountainhead sized novel on thoughts and understandings i have on my relationship with this man - but to bring it to the consistency of canned milk... well, this i will try. he holds my highest admiration because he neglected me in my formative years in a very hmm, half in-half out way. le'duh, he made me who i am today - what child cannot say that. but, he put the books in my hands, the films in my eyes, but never spoke to me afterwards. i was only [and a defined only] a presence when he acknowledged me. this is why i am. in casual conversation, my hatred is apparent but i do not hate him. i realized its a god-like love i have.
he spoke to me about god/God and as i followed the conversation, i thought about him as god. he came at 8am to fix my headlights, i made us breakfast, and he left at 1:30pm when i literally had to push myself out the door and into the library to carry out my much needed biochemistry, such captivation it is incredible.
with the divorce, he is much humbled and humiliated like i could never image my father as. sometimes it has made me cry, but its analogous to a lamed lion who you could never approach in its vitality in the savannah. however, now you can pet him and he feels slightly indebted for your consideration towards his condition. a mind fuck, and i am not evolving this like i could with proper time or paper & pen. so the fruit at the bottom of this is all, subconsciously i really needed him this morning and he was just there. in retrospect i have recognized this.
he told me some stories about atheists, saving a jew is saving the world, the romanian word for mystical creatures, roman/german nobel prizing winning novelist or her husband who might have written a review of his art show in the 80's, parking in europe, and things i need to read. he listened to me and told me he was proud of my where my head is. he told me to drop this medical track and just write. i showed him my actual journal and its oh so many recent entries. this egged him on more. i need to think of a way to physically react and make him proud. this existential train i've been on will keep chugging, but in the last compartment there will be this need. i will revisit it.
"speaking to someone who doesn't believe in god is like speaking to someone of a different language. you need a common basis, a logic, to speak upon. god is mine." oddly enough, i watched this last night. how do these things happen? cause they do a lot.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
after a lot of inwardness, i really do believe i am ready for the next step. this name has bought me so much. richness and simultaneous poverty, chew on that. i have really matured my value system. my ayn rand's will be collecting dust. i really am made by women.