L41118251

there is so much restrain in my responses. i can only put my worst forward and swallow. blackening more and soak into the self-picking. everything is better when it's all gone.

elephants,

i'll break your heart to keep you far from where all danger starts.

i'm on my way down.

sweet sedation.

another erosion of past ideals. i used to rage at the thought of sedation. and thus, davey havok, man and not pup, i have added yet another letdown onto my mountainous heap of everything you'd spit at. i do the only action i do well, i run away. and this time i found myself heaving on the steps of my mother's house. i put these under my tongue and let them get sucked into my bloodstream and numb. as a wave roll, down jaw/reaching each jointed bone. into each capillary. how i wish you'd suck me in. yet you won't and won't ever yield to my selfish need. schistosoma, i want to be. i want to live there and make you piss blood, hurting prideful in this manhood. a village rejoicing from what you pass. i go numb as i am absent from crowd. look what i started.

and here, you will have your peace. every ache vibrates just at a lower frequency, not high enough for you to feel it. just enough for me remember i am far from ceasing. you and i have gotten our much deserved silent. tiger sleeping in this face crawling, scratching at this door, push to the left and let it starve its way into the submission, of the world. no one cares if you're not wailing/at the door of death and this time, this man won't have the burden of worry. i am slow and silent in this decay, needed room to sway closer and closer to your needed distance.

stickless,

i can't stick to a thing. i thought i reached a point where i had grown a shell of confidence and a single person crowd of ears, cares and responses - that i finally had a person(s) to confide in, work myself in and rest out of my skin. in other words, a change enabling me to get out from underneath the internet's skirt. but no chance, i'm clutching-hiding-showing only bands of these rabbit/rabid eyeballs. i'm terrified with some kind of hate, i got rolls, lengths of it. a costco-size tapemeasurer showing every dash i'll never reach or grow to encompass or be able to ingest. it's cruel. i thought i was sylvatic, un-tamable little beast of sorts. i'm come face to face with the reflection of a poor toothless bear wandering around alone, now realizing the opposing factor of crowds, where are the roars of interaction? where is my enclosure? gums cannot do the work and they bleed for no useful function. but here might be a function... sweet sweet infection! an abscess leading from canal to brain to dead to sinsi canal/war fanatics. i swore i needed the land, but on land i die. the cocoon is my companion here and yet its layers of my own bearish rotting swelling skin molting onion-like, encapsulating, granuloma for the better of the other. i lay in my own and i become more what is racing to escape than what wishes to reside. in my sensitivity, insanity, i partition myself further and further from you or whatever you mean. all i want to do is be a walking contradiction of sedation in your sweat and hair yet running away begging to be call'end back into it. resisting and giving in, fighting and f~cking. parasite of every meaning of every part that is in you but alas we are of the same species and this isn't even possible. in impossibilities, i shrivel - choosing to revert to easier, invertebrate behaviors. i find saline swelling for all those who wear the mark of cain and wish to be in treblinka without the choice.

SUN(day).

none of this, anymore.

i heard a lady singing: "i've tried to get along with you, i have asked myself, what are we gonna do? i'm coming round to take a stand, going to put us together with glue or an elastic band" so world, i'm sorry for being so angry at you. i'm going to try to be nice, really try. it'll be easier for me if you put more puppies and/or animals and nice people in my path. i'll be a good investment.

true tenderness.

it has to come off now. hands to your eyes, eyes on your hand dark black, a terrifying black. why doesn't it come off instantly? one swipe, but no. it takes three, four, five, six and some waning on the seventh. i think there's air trapped in the mucus. like a toad's eye, it's watching me. it blinks. and the left nostril keeps running as on-going as the faucet. they are racing.

there's no beauty without the wound. lucifer was the most beautiful of all the angels, that was his flaw//francis bacon.

absolute black.

wings, watches and glass// collars, conversations and spiders// this sound of keysmusically// haunt, mourn and man(he//all hes, [[not {fannie hesse or eva} wrong gendersex]) is a goodbye. a prayer. a quarter past a measurement. i see the face of ___ in yours, but when its cold out i behave like a dog. it doesn't matter who it is or i'd like to deceive myself. it matters, its a price. a string. forgetting is more of a question than a definitive action. or stop it, stop talking. you think more....how does the word dream play against the phrase 'sounds like a dream' or 'a dream of mine'? dream isn't a positive, yet people give it that popular meaning. keep on running, 3 hours will exhausts all glycogen. could you consider that a ____? i wouldn't. there are so much more. casually confirming my fears. i take back, and i pack even more. what are hardbacks? give me an absolute quantification. i look around and sink deeper, lower, irretrievably and out of cast. trout fishing in america. farewell to the grounds(](?/.)). hold my head up. i'm always with you//even in my blood, it dies and cycles into life, pretty regularly.

don't put a finger, but he had five on, on, on, on and still on. what can you really do? can't i get a fucking reflection in you? while you're twisting, i'm still breathing. i wonder what keeps you so high, you need to be grounded, underground-ed. why do some people grow so tall? fuck. but i do like the dark minute when the sun drowns and i mouth it like i am in control, strangle yourself with illogical minnows. i'd eat animal flesh if it was so, but it's not so - not really. most everyone i know pretends (that projection) and i separate the todos and assume everyone does now. cracked glass, i feel the cold. you're careless like ____, absent theory of mind; hemo, wish upon never.

i need to pretend to be a catholic to undergo a confessional(light).

baby!

i'm scared to eat the last one, so i only took baby bites for the picture. she's nestled in my fridge, still. i have logic issues. also, i am really good at doing anything else besides sitting at a desk, today.

TRK2.

my love is a storm.

peroxisome proliferator-activated receptors: PPARs.

because flying is a useful compromise between running and swimming.

this has resonance.

sunny sid(ing).

my parents are supreme tricksters, harlequins of my free time. however, there is a rosy(yolky) ending to this visit. one of my dad's clients owns his own farm (he also has his phd in chemistry and works for bristol meyer; talk about dream intersections) and gave my father some of his fresh eggs. they were all sorts of different shades of brown, watered down blue and cream. they were also absolutely delicious. good start.

9.9 microbial population growth is exponential,

and so is my stress. however, then i remember to breathe. my coffee is cold, but the library is still open. so technically i can wait(.)/(?)

Woman with Umbrella 雨上がり Japanese, Late Meiji era
Ichijô Narumi, Japanese, 1877–1910 MFA

eva braun with bunny,

murein'polysac.

i woke up to:

and

classes are cancelled, leaving me to detox and read microbiology.

i couldn't have imagined how two little gluten treats could have killed my mood and body this badly (ie. burning eyes, migraine, bloated stomach and inability to concentrate on text). this is more than a new year resolution; it is life now. come sunday i will be all healthy and able.

and i watched that (1929) film instead of having breakfast. it left a good feeling in my stomach.

1:25am inthe LSM.

microbiology lab and its emphasis on endospores has me writing vegetative cell so much, all i can do is think of wallace & gromit: curse of the were-rabbit. logic does happen much. i had three pictures to upload from sunday, but ruwireless is screwy. tomorrow, i will try to finally checkout nighthawk books :)

snow cancel my labwork...

hi!

pacing.

6 hours at the microscope with suzhen humming a chinese song(s). i fell in love with whatever it was. i'm walking out of work and into mb lab, an additional 3some hours at a lower grade scope. i'm going to have to eyewash with carrot juice tonight. i've been economical with my almondbutterjelly sandwich all day. now, i have the pleasure of devouring the whole second half.

liiiiiiitttttttttleeees.

inner(outer)vox.

i gave and i received today.

i've been thinking about it and it's a wild thought to know that i have no contact with my blood after it's taken away from me. however it, then, belongs to someone else. is it unconditional love because of the the not knowing, no pre-existing conditions of the exchange? i received an intense amount of priceless, first hand reviews of a building in princeton. i need to think, but i really need to sleep. goodnight little girl trapped inside me. i will start taking care of you. i do believe i can only offer unconditional love to strangers and acquiescences. it's really hurtful to acknowledge that. (skipping all the self festering) blahblahblah by ke$ha was talked about in radigals tonight. i danced.

on this is what my arm looks like now. it looks worse in person.

look who said good morning to me this morning,

bleak introduction to the day.

but i must say that i do enjoy going into a building when it is dark-dark out and coming out to sunshine and bird noises. well, all except this little guy.

RIP

shuffle amongst gym scuff

i can pretend i am okay, if okay means i am not.

beautiful heads, but no brains.

belles tetes, mais de cervelle point

honore daumier

1834

i already feel

a black cloud

i thought

don't want

and don't speak

i live and i see

eric bularer 1972

vserolod nikolaevich nekrasov

is married to

oleg tselkov

golgotha

one enormous orphanhood

one enormous emptiness

yu. baltrushaitis

at the crossroads

i had to push a button

under a blue light

to the right

too make the

lumia aurora appear

this is for real

earl reiback

1970

fox and bust

unidentified

1834

where is

valentia kropivnitskaia?

at the bottom of

five black coffees.

i write all day, feverously. at 11:08PM i only end with fragments of what i think, see and saw. he writes of importance and nuances. i write the mundane and incomprehensible.

sunday day&night.

we could not see the rooftops nor could my sandwich stop sweating.

mares, and their reins.

nightmares @533am

dw;ntwn.

i find myself saying something then cementing it with purpose and reasoning. or responding to someone's observations with more of the same. a few years ago i made a resolution to stop explaining the world and it obviously was never practiced. my own brain is my wonderland and not everyone needs access to it. stop explaining. stop waiting for explanations. things just proceed however(ly).

mindminemindminemindmine[abcdefgh]mindminemindeminemindd

ripout instead of cutout.

breakfast tomorrow:

almond milk pumpkin pancakes.

and i'm actually following the recipe [from a shoprite magazine].... well, enerG instead of the 2 eggs called for.

ps. studying seems much lamer now.

10101010.

bye 9.

hi 10.

cate was my new years kiss, then jonathan.

1. talk to dad every day

2. gluten-free lifestyle

3. make big dinner on sundays

4. quit licking the batter in the bowl

5 empower people or be like brian porbansky

[EDIT] 6. stop giving reasons, explaining my thoughts & action

porbansky styled new years means loving people, being nice, making strange faces, growing guts, vegan deliciousness and doing absurd things. i hope this is how 2010 will stay.