Tuesday, October 27, 2009

a minute to spare.

the dampiness of today makes me think of newts
tiny paddling legs and even tinier eyes
tiny pink branched gills
drawing a biochemical parallel to dextrans
and the complications of homopolysaccharide folding
chitin has beta linkages tooth bacteria has alpha
i think of being a newt
with a velvet underbelly
delicate flesh
swimming against the rippling of raindrops
towards the sweet decay of tree roots
seeking your sole comfort

with branching gills.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

whatever today's date is;

my dad peek through my doorway this morning; it was most unexpected, while simultaneously and unconsciously most needed. i could fill a fountainhead sized novel on thoughts and understandings i have on my relationship with this man - but to bring it to the consistency of canned milk... well, this i will try. he holds my highest admiration because he neglected me in my formative years in a very hmm, half in-half out way. le'duh, he made me who i am today - what child cannot say that. but, he put the books in my hands, the films in my eyes, but never spoke to me afterwards. i was only [and a defined only] a presence when he acknowledged me. this is why i am. in casual conversation, my hatred is apparent but i do not hate him. i realized its a god-like love i have.
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he spoke to me about god/God and as i followed the conversation, i thought about him as god. he came at 8am to fix my headlights, i made us breakfast, and he left at 1:30pm when i literally had to push myself out the door and into the library to carry out my much needed biochemistry, such captivation it is incredible.
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with the divorce, he is much humbled and humiliated like i could never image my father as. sometimes it has made me cry, but its analogous to a lamed lion who you could never approach in its vitality in the savannah. however, now you can pet him and he feels slightly indebted for your consideration towards his condition. a mind fuck, and i am not evolving this like i could with proper time or paper & pen. so the fruit at the bottom of this is all, subconsciously i really needed him this morning and he was just there. in retrospect i have recognized this.
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he told me some stories about atheists, saving a jew is saving the world, the romanian word for mystical creatures, roman/german nobel prizing winning novelist or her husband who might have written a review of his art show in the 80's, parking in europe, and things i need to read. he listened to me and told me he was proud of my where my head is. he told me to drop this medical track and just write. i showed him my actual journal and its oh so many recent entries. this egged him on more. i need to think of a way to physically react and make him proud. this existential train i've been on will keep chugging, but in the last compartment there will be this need. i will revisit it.
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"speaking to someone who doesn't believe in god is like speaking to someone of a different language. you need a common basis, a logic, to speak upon. god is mine." oddly enough, i watched this last night. how do these things happen? cause they do a lot.

wild strawberries for breakfast.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

my little butterfly.

video
masaya and i are killing time before the huge spanish diaz/herandez dinner ahead of us. the kitchen is a swirl of smells of oil and exotic-ness. mi gusta mucho, whole.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Saturday, October 17, 2009

snow angels.




in killing time before laura's twenty first birthday party, i decided to watch this. and what a bad decision that was. i lost it, completely. i'm screaming 'i am alive' silently in my head all night. simultaneous, can't shake it.

Friday, October 16, 2009

answer your own.

after a lot of inwardness, i really do believe i am ready for the next step. this name has bought me so much. richness and simultaneous poverty, chew on that. i have really matured my value system. my ayn rand's will be collecting dust. i really am made by women.
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Thursday, October 15, 2009

onwards:

quality cave time.

Monday, October 12, 2009

longest day of failed experiments.

i am just happy to be home again, in my room; however, i did take some great shots today.
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there is an on-going theme.

silence.

i tried to youtube the last 2 minutes of hour of the wolf, but i found this instead. it does run parallel to some past (very far back) psychosomatic feelings. i just didn't want to lose this train of thought.

i couldn't find a clip, and her dialogue was so moving that i transcribed it.
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"well, there is one thing i've wondered. are you in a hurry? i'd like to ask you something. it's like this. isn't it true that when a woman has lived a long time with a man... isn't it true she finally becomes like that man? since she loves him and tries to think like him and see like him. they say that it can change a person. was that why i began to see those ghosts? or were they there anyway? i mean, if i'd loved him less and not bothered about everything then? or was it that i didn't love him enough that made me so jealous? was that why those 'cannibals' as he called them.. was that why we came to such grief? i thought i was so close to him. sometimes he said he was also close to me. one time he said it with certainty. if only i could have followed him, all the time. there's so much to keep pondering... so many questions, sometimes i don't know which way is which, and i get completely..."

darken more.

saturday morning, 4:40am to be exact - i watched the ending of control with my mother before i went to do fieldwork; for she insisted on cooking me breakfast. i dyed my hair to its natural dark brunette tone, and currently i am watching bergman's hour of the wolf interview.

i believe i am mourning you. everything is darker, but i'm enjoying it now. i miss your mouth, but in actively missing i remember the void. i am more passive of a actor today. is mourning the right word when you don't want it back? i suppose i cannot communicate this properly since i've acknowledged this emptiness, yet slightly fetishistic over the thought of being so. sullen salting, salutations and salivations.

Monday, October 5, 2009

duet : adolph gottlieb.

as i walked away from my last exam (3 in the last 16 hours and one friday) and while heavy in conversation with matt about artists statements, a mind seed was spontaneously conceived. its contents carried over onto paper and it started to grow there after. key clicks aren't very nourishing for the dimensions of this. i do believe its been shaking inside of me since cate and i's brooklyn saturday but my exam preparation muffled it out. i am surprised it pushed through all the pressure. pressure building up from my thigh as well. now, everything seems to be equilibrating. i haven't been this excited in some time, oh foxy.
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condensed vision: radioactivity of carbon-13 and its metaphoric power and mid-western medical schools. i think i really found my tree, my branch, my perfect little nest. i thought of all my favorite things and came up with placement for the cream on top.
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amanda iss supposed to come over and turn me into the natural brunette, which i haven't been in years; my attempt to getting to my core. i was planning to pay her in squash goodness, but it is already 6:28. squash gratin for lunches to come. dinner for one, my usual.
my stomach is grumbling. i suppose this is how my stomach responds to it's real first day of school stress freedom. oh - since i've been at laura's for the past two days, i've become very close friends with 'smart dogs'? freakish and phallic looking, but a delicious meal. i'm usually anti-fake meat or any vegetable that looks like it, however: one dog kept me filled for 5 hours, kale can't do that for me.

i just got an email about a summer mammalian research position in chile?