L41118251

there is so much restrain in my responses. i can only put my worst forward and swallow. blackening more and soak into the self-picking. everything is better when it's all gone.

elephants,

i'll break your heart to keep you far from where all danger starts.

i'm on my way down.

sweet sedation.

another erosion of past ideals. i used to rage at the thought of sedation. and thus, davey havok, man and not pup, i have added yet another letdown onto my mountainous heap of everything you'd spit at. i do the only action i do well, i run away. and this time i found myself heaving on the steps of my mother's house. i put these under my tongue and let them get sucked into my bloodstream and numb. as a wave roll, down jaw/reaching each jointed bone. into each capillary. how i wish you'd suck me in. yet you won't and won't ever yield to my selfish need. schistosoma, i want to be. i want to live there and make you piss blood, hurting prideful in this manhood. a village rejoicing from what you pass. i go numb as i am absent from crowd. look what i started.

and here, you will have your peace. every ache vibrates just at a lower frequency, not high enough for you to feel it. just enough for me remember i am far from ceasing. you and i have gotten our much deserved silent. tiger sleeping in this face crawling, scratching at this door, push to the left and let it starve its way into the submission, of the world. no one cares if you're not wailing/at the door of death and this time, this man won't have the burden of worry. i am slow and silent in this decay, needed room to sway closer and closer to your needed distance.

stickless,

i can't stick to a thing. i thought i reached a point where i had grown a shell of confidence and a single person crowd of ears, cares and responses - that i finally had a person(s) to confide in, work myself in and rest out of my skin. in other words, a change enabling me to get out from underneath the internet's skirt. but no chance, i'm clutching-hiding-showing only bands of these rabbit/rabid eyeballs. i'm terrified with some kind of hate, i got rolls, lengths of it. a costco-size tapemeasurer showing every dash i'll never reach or grow to encompass or be able to ingest. it's cruel. i thought i was sylvatic, un-tamable little beast of sorts. i'm come face to face with the reflection of a poor toothless bear wandering around alone, now realizing the opposing factor of crowds, where are the roars of interaction? where is my enclosure? gums cannot do the work and they bleed for no useful function. but here might be a function... sweet sweet infection! an abscess leading from canal to brain to dead to sinsi canal/war fanatics. i swore i needed the land, but on land i die. the cocoon is my companion here and yet its layers of my own bearish rotting swelling skin molting onion-like, encapsulating, granuloma for the better of the other. i lay in my own and i become more what is racing to escape than what wishes to reside. in my sensitivity, insanity, i partition myself further and further from you or whatever you mean. all i want to do is be a walking contradiction of sedation in your sweat and hair yet running away begging to be call'end back into it. resisting and giving in, fighting and f~cking. parasite of every meaning of every part that is in you but alas we are of the same species and this isn't even possible. in impossibilities, i shrivel - choosing to revert to easier, invertebrate behaviors. i find saline swelling for all those who wear the mark of cain and wish to be in treblinka without the choice.