i am sitting in my room listening to the girl john has over. her voice, her stories make me want to reach for a screwdriver and smack it into my skull. this is dramatic, drawing from the fact that i am a little lonely, with mounts of schoolwork i need to complete. this isn't focusing.
anna came over and we made baby vegan pumpkin cheesecakes, along with spinach artichoke gnocchi: all vegan, all cozy. we snuggled up to a nick park frame of mind//mine, tiny bunnies lovin' veg. i want a family. summer 2010: new place. now back to the reality of reading interviews with less moping.
my dad just called and it literally made me sick. i threw up whatever bile & banana was in my stomach.
i am on my living room floor surrounded my mike kelley interviews and the exhibition catalogue. i am callous to the vibrations since everyones texting thanks, but then it start to ring. i hesitate. i anticipate this being an awkward conversation. it turned out even more awkward than imaginable. he tells me he just left the church group where they spending their mornings with the elderly at some nursing home in keansburg. it seems like he's just sharing his days, i sigh. too early for relief. then he asks me to come home. i tell him, "no daddy, i'm knee deep in writing and i have two papers to string together by monday and i need to concentrate." then he gets all blown up and proud, asks who i am writing on and offers to come to my apartment to help me sort out my thoughts and discuss jung's red book that he's getting me for christmas. i feel disgustingly pushed and baited for his sake of being lonely. i keep repeating how i need to concentrate and how i basically forgot today was thanksgiving. i fed him some half bullshit about today being a great day for self-reflection since everything is closed and the capitalistic machine allows us some rest. he buys it, painfully. i can hear he is lonely. i am selfish, but setting my foot into that house especially with my sister and mother being gone parallels to the pain of a bear trap. he says he needs me to come home tomorrow to watch the dogs 'cause he has a lot of appointments... i hold my ground and repetitively say i have to concentrate on these deadlines and produce something of value. i hardly get work done in that depressing place. i reassure him if its an emergency, i will pause my writing and look after the pups. i know he only have 2 appointments one at 1 & 6 which he can totally come home in between. i know it's just a reason to make me as miserable as he feels, thus giving him some solace. he talks about my mom abandoning us. i want to cry and hang up. i don't do either. i steady myself for his sake. he's really upset i'm not going to see him. i tell him i threw up last night, throat is sore, my head hurts and driving is not an option. his voice shows he understands. he steps out of himself. he acts like a father for less than a minute. i enjoy it. he says "enjoy your writing and peace of mind." i answer, "you too. bye daddy."click.
i wish i was better, but the reality is that i am not; neither is he. one day soon, i'll be strong enough to uncart his burdens and carry them myself. soon is debate-able, one day is concrete. i want to say we are polar opposites, sadly that is not the case. i hope there is no way you can read this.
and it has been the first time in 2 months i've read something non-school related. this wasn't a slightly erotic novel, but a very. every gallery we went to was addressing highly sexual context, one, eric fischl, had to do with bullfighting. i took a lot of pictures; particularly partly. they will be posted after this nap that will began in 5 minutes. i bought a mike kelley catalog, this 5 dollar coffee, and a 17 dollar round trip. i experienced the work of richard serra, mike kelley (le'duh), joseph beuys, robert motherwell!, steve gianakos, beth cavener stichter, bill viola, and a dozen more who didn't stick as much. and to add a current dimension, i miss 5 people, digit like.
i saw the other skinny girls giving you a hard lookover. they seemed real jealous, evil-spirited. you stand about 4'10 and are itty bitty in the natural way- in the petite mini mouse way, not olsen twin. i hope you don't notice them. i hope you had an awesome day.
beets, pretty interesting vegetable. we use it in romanian cooking - a lot, but my parents drench it in horseradish & garlic. so i've never really known how a warm, sweet beet tastes: A+ which is kind of related to the B i have in biochemistry. both grades have me excited. we've been studying all day and it's going to continue 'til the late pm hours. netflix tonight! cate get ova' here already. just kidding - i can wait - i need major concentration time for another 5 hours. oh, this morning i was invited to mentor high schoolers through a UMDNJ program. young eager minds are so wonderful. yay@future society.
[They’ve found that pigs are among the quickest of animals to learn a new routine, and pigs can do a circus’s worth of tricks: jump hoops, bow and stand, spin and make wordlike sounds on command, roll out rugs, herd sheep, close and open cages, play videogames with joysticks, and more. For better or worse, pigs are also slow to forget. “They can learn something on the first try, but then it’s difficult for them to unlearn it,” said Suzanne Held of the University of Bristol. “They may get scared once and then have trouble getting over it.”]
some people have remarked that my life goal of owing a farm would be silly and full of too many unpleasant things. i, however, will not be deterred. chickens, sheep, bees and pigs - all friends - no slaughter. eggs, wool and honey will be harvested with the upmost love. sorry cate, i know you'll be an old vegan when this becomes my reality.
because i believe he stands the best. i felt he's more human than corzine and christie, who i think are the wooooorst. unfortunately, my parents don't agree and have been giving me pure verbal hell for thinking about it. i voted at 2:30pm. the outcome was a lie. i had to lie to them. i couldn't shallow any other belief than my own. i really do feel awful about it, especially cause i am on a whole 'take all the consequences of your actions no matter how shitty' attitude. but my parents are so delicate. what kind of world am i living in?