Sunday, October 25, 2009

whatever today's date is;

my dad peek through my doorway this morning; it was most unexpected, while simultaneously and unconsciously most needed. i could fill a fountainhead sized novel on thoughts and understandings i have on my relationship with this man - but to bring it to the consistency of canned milk... well, this i will try. he holds my highest admiration because he neglected me in my formative years in a very hmm, half in-half out way. le'duh, he made me who i am today - what child cannot say that. but, he put the books in my hands, the films in my eyes, but never spoke to me afterwards. i was only [and a defined only] a presence when he acknowledged me. this is why i am. in casual conversation, my hatred is apparent but i do not hate him. i realized its a god-like love i have.
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he spoke to me about god/God and as i followed the conversation, i thought about him as god. he came at 8am to fix my headlights, i made us breakfast, and he left at 1:30pm when i literally had to push myself out the door and into the library to carry out my much needed biochemistry, such captivation it is incredible.
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with the divorce, he is much humbled and humiliated like i could never image my father as. sometimes it has made me cry, but its analogous to a lamed lion who you could never approach in its vitality in the savannah. however, now you can pet him and he feels slightly indebted for your consideration towards his condition. a mind fuck, and i am not evolving this like i could with proper time or paper & pen. so the fruit at the bottom of this is all, subconsciously i really needed him this morning and he was just there. in retrospect i have recognized this.
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he told me some stories about atheists, saving a jew is saving the world, the romanian word for mystical creatures, roman/german nobel prizing winning novelist or her husband who might have written a review of his art show in the 80's, parking in europe, and things i need to read. he listened to me and told me he was proud of my where my head is. he told me to drop this medical track and just write. i showed him my actual journal and its oh so many recent entries. this egged him on more. i need to think of a way to physically react and make him proud. this existential train i've been on will keep chugging, but in the last compartment there will be this need. i will revisit it.
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"speaking to someone who doesn't believe in god is like speaking to someone of a different language. you need a common basis, a logic, to speak upon. god is mine." oddly enough, i watched this last night. how do these things happen? cause they do a lot.

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