babies eyes are much more dramatic.

my hours were in pediatrics this morning, left me with a lot of new thoughts. it's good human preventative medicine, well on the non-acute visits. i think i really liked it. especially since i'll never have children. hm, thoughts need to coalesce.

maggie may.

my mom is an amazing shirt-shrinker, even thought i still swim in it. it's like a body blanket. moving past all that, cate came over tonight :) we filled our brains with plans and out bellies with dairy-free mint choco chip. the air smelt like up and coming wonderfulness. i feel more at ease. now back to monosodium glutamate abstracts, fffff. cate, get home safe.

black in new drinking glasses.

in all my 'ehs' with cate last night, the verbal detox has depressed me past sea level. i'm become so black in thought. yo, fuck. brainnnnnnnnn issues. i want to crawl into a bed that doesn't belong to me nor to anyone else, someplace that no one holds ownership. 

there are so many territories that i know i do not belong in. 

so i'll continue to lay down with beirut and my legs up - blood rush, suppress my thoughts until the awkward, awkward fathers' day dinner. i'll probably even up at another bar, sipping hot chocolate like last christmas eve.

 pity party for one.

dear society,

CHANGE!

integrity: world, please adopt it. i want to love you

and have you be good to me in return. i'll be the

hardest working bee amongst your children, please.

chilean flash slap.

thoughts on eugenio dittborn occurred to me today.

"The airmail painting has been Dittborn's primary occupation since 1984. The works in this exhibition were executed on large sheets of cotton duck, then folded and sent in envelopes through the international mail system from his home in Santiago, Chile to New York. The envelopes are of his own design, and he provides relevant information on them, from an itinerary of a painting's travels to a description of the piece. The airmail envelopes are considered a key component of the work, and are always exhibited alongside the image. His pictures impart a clearly humanistic message, with undertones of skepticism and irony."
[http://www.artseensoho.com/Art/A&BONIN/dittborn98/dittborn.html]

miss laura diaz...

made me dinner.

the bunny put me in bed,

and yes, for basically the whole weekend. my parents had to nurse me back to health. for the hours i wasn't in bed, i went to kwam's with cate and had ourselves  a delicious, outdoorsy, dino-fill,  fun-tastic time.

i suppose it was all the hours of resting and thinking in addition to the wounded-ness i was feeling from the allergic reaction, but i started thinking very much like a female; and that mindset is never good. next point, considering today is monday, it is day #1 of resisting stress.

my mom got me the book "the cortisol connection" and i am learning the specifics of how stress ruins your tissues and exhaust your endocrine system. i get overwhelmed too often and even though, it is justified, i need to find a healthy way to dispose of it. thus, day one. 

alexander alexandria.

alexander library then watched the fall and the little romanian girl was named alexandria. tarsem made it incredibly beautiful, 100% every shot. cinematographic cannot even be used here, brain explosion! concept and it's orientation, oh wow. dear cate, i will fingertickle your brain. also - the air smells great outside, right now - like fresh cut grass and jasmine/honeysuckles. 

david.

this was my weekend.

it is thundering/raining insanely, not sure of venturing into it is worth neuroanatomy. i'm scared of both so why not a double whaaaaaammy. i miss cate & brittany & the polar bears, oh leisure.

cigars smoke and much more smoke.

these ones smell even better. the peonies override the smokey smell i've been coming home with.

i went to the beach today; it made me shower.

nihilistic readings today.

the roses smell so deliciously pleasant, the whole apartment has its

aroma. it is nice to calm down alone here after last night's wildness.

"suddenly i stop but i know it's too late i'm lost in a forest, all alone. 

the girl was never there, it's always the same. i am running towards 

nothing again and again and again and again and again... and again."

autographed cards.

i just came home from the Faith Ringgold exhibition/silent auction - totally and completely beat. i sat down to a packet of oatmeal and it tastes like cookie dough? odd. i over exhausted my brain into these kinda things. 

ringgold's work makes me have faith in humanity again - please bright future come our way//

brought me to you.

i just walked in from jillian's. i saw masaya's third grade fiesta play/musical? hands down, amazing adorableness. best way to celebrate my aquatic insect collection turn in, A+. it feels nice to actually be rewarded for your studies.  so, officially done with the semester. 

now, i have some jeanette winterson art and lies and margaret atwood oryx and crake to keep me company tonight. ALSO! jillian put on the alfred kinsey documentary to show me how an entomologist became the father of sex studies, blew my mind. i've been in a good place these past two days. now, back to books, blanket, and avett brother albums.

hey cate, look i'm not miserable

i'll be done with exams in a few more days. i plan on seeing everyone i've been neglecting. "bed is for sleeping" - matt sweeney & bonnie "prince" billy and lilacs are :)

john's 21st.

laura made john this cake, while i made john steak and bought him whiskey. i figured getting him the two things i'd never touch would show him i love him. he seemed happy. the actual day part of today sucked, hard. i'm thinking of a new radical way to help my brain feel okay again - still thinking.

oh and i picked this easter-ish flower. 

the journal of medical entomology.

as i sit here in douglass library polishing up my medical entomology paper on Chagas Disease, i curiously look up this word because i didn't feel i reeaaaaally knew its communicative implications. [side note: issues with effective communication have been dominating my mind because of all the readings on Conceptualism in Brazil/Venezuela in the 60-80s period. my mind is constantly fucked] anyways, so the word was...

Sylvatic - is a scientific term referring to diseases or pathogens affecting only wild (sylvan means forest-dwelling) animals. In the context of animal research, its opposite is domestic, which refers to pets, farm animals or other animals which do not dwell in the wild.

it's in the context on my name, sylvatic as a synonym for silvan and if you step in a little closer, silvana. can this explain the instabilities i find in domestic/stable settings? do i crave it as something i was never meant to have? could it?

peep manhattanmoma.

Stephen Shore (American, born 1947), U.S. 97, South of Klamath Falls, Oregon. July 21, 1973, Chromogenic color print

i honestly feel like this stephen shore print. my mind is the mountain that could be in this landscape but it isn't - it is far removed and a fictive work of someone's hand and put here. it's optical and it fools with your perception. from far away - it could fool you. you'd think it'd belong - coexist. it doesn't.

i'm researching mira schendel for my final paper and these early felt tip pen drawings are intensely vibrating to the confusion i feel. where is the instructional manual?

Mira Schendel, Brazilian, born Switzerland. 1919-1988, Untitled, 1960, Felt-tip pen on paper, 103.5 x 70 cm, Collection Adherbal Teixera, © 2009 Mira Schendel Estate

to:

neither do i have the time to think about something to write here nor can i think straight. my mind's been off kilter. it's all dark.

sleepy puppy.

i have a mountainous heap of work to finish, and i'm a sleepy puppy.


but it's a-okay. and i cannot stop listening to this song, or actually this whole album, oh the beautiful men.
"slow decay, I won't stop fighting you! who do you think that is there? i came to fight. i am in the air. i always fall in these fights, I know why and from the best strains of life, I don't write, controlling the age, it takes a toll on my brain. now who do you think that is there? only call them when I know I don't see them, i only call them when I know I don't see them"

http://www.myfriendstoldmeaboutyou.com/
cate, let's find this and watch it. it's only 26 minutes. i know it looks like a lot of moves we've seen, but it's still like all the good ones we've seen. - pretentious maybe, so it's been quoted.