closer to sleep time for this sore throat,

no sense, no sense, no sense. moon pix all evening.

...and a little julie doiron.

...and bad girls & sick boys: fantasies in contemporary art and culture linda s. kauffman

everyone is busy, again.

i am sitting in my room listening to the girl john has over. her voice, her stories make me want to reach for a screwdriver and smack it into my skull. this is dramatic, drawing from the fact that i am a little lonely, with mounts of schoolwork i need to complete. this isn't focusing.

winning;

anna came over and we made baby vegan pumpkin cheesecakes, along with spinach artichoke gnocchi: all vegan, all cozy. we snuggled up to a nick park frame of mind//mine, tiny bunnies lovin' veg. i want a family. summer 2010: new place. now back to the reality of reading interviews with less moping.

everyone and their family,

my dad just called and it literally made me sick. i threw up whatever bile & banana was in my stomach.

i am on my living room floor surrounded my mike kelley interviews and the exhibition catalogue. i am callous to the vibrations since everyones texting thanks, but then it start to ring. i hesitate. i anticipate this being an awkward conversation. it turned out even more awkward than imaginable. he tells me he just left the church group where they spending their mornings with the elderly at some nursing home in keansburg. it seems like he's just sharing his days, i sigh. too early for relief. then he asks me to come home. i tell him, "no daddy, i'm knee deep in writing and i have two papers to string together by monday and i need to concentrate." then he gets all blown up and proud, asks who i am writing on and offers to come to my apartment to help me sort out my thoughts and discuss jung's red book that he's getting me for christmas. i feel disgustingly pushed and baited for his sake of being lonely. i keep repeating how i need to concentrate and how i basically forgot today was thanksgiving. i fed him some half bullshit about today being a great day for self-reflection since everything is closed and the capitalistic machine allows us some rest. he buys it, painfully. i can hear he is lonely. i am selfish, but setting my foot into that house especially with my sister and mother being gone parallels to the pain of a bear trap. he says he needs me to come home tomorrow to watch the dogs 'cause he has a lot of appointments... i hold my ground and repetitively say i have to concentrate on these deadlines and produce something of value. i hardly get work done in that depressing place. i reassure him if its an emergency, i will pause my writing and look after the pups. i know he only have 2 appointments one at 1 & 6 which he can totally come home in between. i know it's just a reason to make me as miserable as he feels, thus giving him some solace. he talks about my mom abandoning us. i want to cry and hang up. i don't do either. i steady myself for his sake. he's really upset i'm not going to see him. i tell him i threw up last night, throat is sore, my head hurts and driving is not an option. his voice shows he understands. he steps out of himself. he acts like a father for less than a minute. i enjoy it. he says "enjoy your writing and peace of mind." i answer, "you too. bye daddy."click.

i wish i was better, but the reality is that i am not; neither is he. one day soon, i'll be strong enough to uncart his burdens and carry them myself. soon is debate-able, one day is concrete. i want to say we are polar opposites, sadly that is not the case. i hope there is no way you can read this.

clover, cinnamon, nutmeg

soup

like

reds

leftout

nails

down

dirt

ducks

&

black

squirrel

four

clover

simmering

green

beans

its

only

dim

lighting

mike

kelley

interviews

are

not

as

interesting

as

you

without

entomology

botany

identifications

life

touches

no light

conjoin

there is girl who stands just an inch above five foot and she is my mental lighthouse, a sea angel of sorts.

chapped

little

thunder

is

good.

0.4% productive today...

all i can put into words is, i am absorbed. i've never been this distracted.

...and also that ginger cats made me sick tonight. oh, and my apartment smells fantastic due to the cinnamon broom i bought with cate; yesterday she was on the ball.

pg 148:

chris cunningham: man, machine and music.

"thus at the beginning stage we can say that the shadow is all that is within you which you do not know about" - marie louise von franz [shadow and evil in fairy tales, 1957]

from saturday:

currently in a lecture on intestinal secretion.

since 6:30am i have been wearing 4 layers and from 8:30am it has been 5.

2 more days.

this morning's 7am breakfast:

and it has been the first time in 2 months i've read something non-school related. this wasn't a slightly erotic novel, but a very. every gallery we went to was addressing highly sexual context, one, eric fischl, had to do with bullfighting. i took a lot of pictures; particularly partly. they will be posted after this nap that will began in 5 minutes. i bought a mike kelley catalog, this 5 dollar coffee, and a 17 dollar round trip. i experienced the work of richard serra, mike kelley (le'duh), joseph beuys, robert motherwell!, steve gianakos, beth cavener stichter, bill viola, and a dozen more who didn't stick as much. and to add a current dimension, i miss 5 people, digit like.

4pm.

dear adorable tiny girl at the rexb stop today,

i saw the other skinny girls giving you a hard lookover. they seemed real jealous, evil-spirited. you stand about 4'10 and are itty bitty in the natural way- in the petite mini mouse way, not olsen twin. i hope you don't notice them. i hope you had an awesome day.

sincerely,

me.

three free seconds,

in the quiet center, there was

a new hope for humanity,

discs for a re-educational cure.

lamed conversations followed

about steak dinners and big

breasted justifications.

eject, and put anew.

---

back to studying, missing my

little lady; especially since

anthropologie sent me a cozy

winter image to my inbox

new black and whites, ideas

new $$$ to save, new boot, coat, and tights

just had a very insightful typo;

black is absence to me not all inclusive,

maybe a little of everything.

gummo.

it made me love life even more.

ben made beets with dill,

beets, pretty interesting vegetable. we use it in romanian cooking - a lot, but my parents drench it in horseradish & garlic. so i've never really known how a warm, sweet beet tastes: A+ which is kind of related to the B i have in biochemistry. both grades have me excited. we've been studying all day and it's going to continue 'til the late pm hours. netflix tonight! cate get ova' here already. just kidding - i can wait - i need major concentration time for another 5 hours. oh, this morning i was invited to mentor high schoolers through a UMDNJ program. young eager minds are so wonderful. yay@future society.

happy birthday kwame! ily (for the 3rd time.)

back2this:

foucault's birth of the clinic.

looking for answers in the pages of a book; i'll never change.

owning my dreams.

[They’ve found that pigs are among the quickest of animals to learn a new routine, and pigs can do a circus’s worth of tricks: jump hoops, bow and stand, spin and make wordlike sounds on command, roll out rugs, herd sheep, close and open cages, play videogames with joysticks, and more. For better or worse, pigs are also slow to forget. “They can learn something on the first try, but then it’s difficult for them to unlearn it,” said Suzanne Held of the University of Bristol. “They may get scared once and then have trouble getting over it.”]

some people have remarked that my life goal of owing a farm would be silly and full of too many unpleasant things. i, however, will not be deterred. chickens, sheep, bees and pigs - all friends - no slaughter. eggs, wool and honey will be harvested with the upmost love. sorry cate, i know you'll be an old vegan when this becomes my reality.

my today.

now, i'm on a mission to find a british mooncup and say a final fuck you to tampons and its cancerous and phallic ownership. i am a woman made by woman and that's how it stays. day 1.

vegan:

chocolate covered ginger bits

pumpkin sugar cookies

classic vanilla cupcakes

banana chocolate chip muffins

lemon blueberry muffins

+

accompanied by a kraust rock playlist and on going systems phys studying. posting now.

leop/dyin.

crawl away into a coffin.

i voted for daggett,

because i believe he stands the best. i felt he's more human than corzine and christie, who i think are the wooooorst. unfortunately, my parents don't agree and have been giving me pure verbal hell for thinking about it. i voted at 2:30pm. the outcome was a lie. i had to lie to them. i couldn't shallow any other belief than my own. i really do feel awful about it, especially cause i am on a whole 'take all the consequences of your actions no matter how shitty' attitude. but my parents are so delicate. what kind of world am i living in?

i hate how i wrote this.

1.30th, solg.

the teapot screamed something horrid this morning. i turned down the flame, and then forgot to pour it. noon, class.