i've been running to this so much,

since i don't have any time in the day to talk to cate besides our 'goodmorning's and 'ah this is too good to be true's. but i need to spill all this out.... after another 6 hour stretch of biochemistry in a lonely dimly lit desk, i went to the campus center and watched 'girls like us'

"the 1997 award winning documentary by Jane Wagner and Tina DiFeliciantonio, “Girls Like Us”. The documentary reveals the conflicts of growing up female by examining the impact of class, sexism, and violence on the dreams and expectations of young girls. Open discussion will follow screening."

with all these ladies - and it was like a mental purge.

watch this, half related, not really about the film tonight:

i'm not in bed yet,

because matt is telling how much he loves donald judd and tortoise. i still think this looks like an urban outfitters or ikea shelf. i really don't understand it nor do i respect it.

overcomplicate me, make me feel minuscule, hurt me on some level, let me lose it in vertigo or pain it in a headache - i want to fall into it, art, literature, experience. something simple cannot register in this head. look like mushrooms, i mean fuck look at the biochemistry of proteins and what/how they fold - so detailed, ruled, inexplicable in it's exact process, just humans trying to grapple at its complexity. things that seem above me are the only things i feel are valuable.

this was "our meeting in the middle" mark di suver. mhm - tragic, cancerous oxidation. i'd read rilke to it.

it's a robert motherwell kind of day.

this is how i feel.

branching.

adrienne rich's reading tonight spun me around into a new vibration. i have an answer to some reoccurring persistent thoughts: forest and neurons on the mind.

long ago i loved you so much, nowadays i just don’t know much anymore. i can’t say what is real" - peter and the wolf

i need a lift.

morning read.

Indian Women Find New Peace in Rail Commute

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/16/world/asia/16ladies.html

and a comment that stuck out:

"My point is, it's easy to take an armchair anthropology stance and stamp the "backwards" mark on foreign cultures, but we're not terribly different in some ways. Kudos to India for at least trying to make it just a bit easier for women to get on with their days." -Nadine, Pennsylvania. September 15th, 2009

dear cate,

watch this, this is what i do on the daily :)

http://exploratorium.edu/imaging_station/hbvideo.php?Asset=GFP%20%3Cem%3EC.%20elegans%3C/em%3E&Width=720&Height=530&Location=gal_media/celegans/celegans_gfp/celegans_gfp_hb.swf

lovingly,

silvana

effect missing.

there's a bug somewhere under my skin who is oozing into a malfunction. i can't get at it. i feel uncomfortable in my own skin with no solution in sight: day to day.

robert motherwell.

butternut squash soup and pumpkin pie for dinner. i was born in the best season. and along those best kind of lines, i saw cate was reading nausea so i decided to cracked it out again. i hope it'd sort out the thoughts in my brain and under my skin. neurotics to cure neurosis, hm logic?

"feelings are just how things feel to us; neither 'objective' nor 'subjective' but both, since all 'things' are the result of an interaction with body-mind and the external world. it is natural to rearrange or invent in order to bring about states of feelings that we like, just as a new tenant refurnishes a house" rm.

gorky and i.

feeling it.

why am i awake?

5am vole trappings in cranberry bogs leads to burzum.

entry due to cate's phone dying.

i got a package from belgium today, oh goody! after my first day of classes, i left loving my molecular bio/biochemistry professor; he has a ponytail. princeton, holmdel, highland park tomorrow: happy birthday now non-absent father. veruca salts' america thighs continuation...
OH! and i'm watching this tonight

reconnect to past solutions: very proud of ya

take nothing from nothing and you'll have nothing left.

my muscles stiffen through the day.
discomfort never goes away.

someone should throw me away. i feel like a garbage can.
throw me away, i've got no use.
throw me away, i'm nothing to lose.

and it makes me sick, god - it makes me sick.

i can't compete, I can't impress you. I guess I'll show you the door.
throw me away, i feel like shit.
i am useless. i know i know nothing at all.
i'd take a stand, but i know i'd fall.
i'd run head-down into a wall and watch my blood run faster.

girls laugh and pass me on the street.

you're not content until you're brought down,
and you're always so alone because you can't be found.
you're soul is black and you're filled with hate.

let nothing shade your vision, even fight to keep it clear.
what was it i was thinking, or was i even thinking at all?
when i think of what i thought back then, then i'm ashamed,
and i'm appalled that i gave up all i was so easily
throw me away, i've got no use.
throw me away, i'm nothing to lose.
throw me away, i feel like shit.

i am useless. i never seem to feel well.

forever unlucky, cause i'll own tomorrow. forever unwanted, outcast today.
i'm not mislead, i've got no one to follow. everywhere to go, no place to stay.
i always seem to look like hell.
it seems like everyone can tell my mind is going numb.

i'd purify the world with one primal scream, but no one would listen.
keep dark secrets to myself, because no one else will talk to me.

i don't know what's going on, but i don't wanna do it wrong.
don't wanna contradict myself with all the words I sing.
don't, don't ever let go.

i'm going backwards to reset the future mindset i need.

i put on 25 lbs. i can't continue this way. i have to change my thinking. i am cocooning until i'm a human being again. sorry internet, i just had to visualize this thought.

capital B.

i'll communicate again with the world when i can recognize my reflection. i'm 38% of who i feel i need/want to be and 32% of what i used to be. it's hard to be efficient when you yourself are deficient. no negativity, just an entrance into this uncharted way of movement. i can't live with binary organization or its condemnation. living, an active verb.

other people do things, trying to enjoy otherness, celebrate their successes, and one day my ownness.

s.

i am the ugly duckling salamander. kick in the brain. one zero, zero, twenty. things i thought were for the best were not. it is an awkward stage i created. set fire to it, burn it all to zero.

HI EARTH BABIES!

morning to afternoon, worm wiggles & farmer markets down the street. i finished my abstract and grant proposal, such productive day. wigggle wiggle wormin' it.

no birdgod is going to save you, edward.

wonderful, hunter s thompson. cate, we're going to be the change for the world.

i can do something that no one else can do, something important, maybe even necessary.

netflix recommended this to me, amazing watch. 100% re-watch-able, almost inspiring if you take it metaphorically. check it out on imdb.

"i want my costume to tell people that they shouldn't give up, no matter how alone they sometimes feel, because anything is possible"

my mind's like rattling bingo balls, i need to seek out a place to help me achieve the help i need to stop. a place like an eggnest, where the twigs are as external capillaries that feed me all the life sustaining nutrients i need. i want to need and never to want again. necessity, nestcity.