onwards:

quality cave time.

longest day of failed experiments.

i am just happy to be home again, in my room; however, i did take some great shots today.

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there is an on-going theme.

silence.

i tried to youtube the last 2 minutes of hour of the wolf, but i found this instead. it does run parallel to some past (very far back) psychosomatic feelings. i just didn't want to lose this train of thought.

i couldn't find a clip, and her dialogue was so moving that i transcribed it.

---

"well, there is one thing i've wondered. are you in a hurry? i'd like to ask you something. it's like this. isn't it true that when a woman has lived a long time with a man... isn't it true she finally becomes like that man? since she loves him and tries to think like him and see like him. they say that it can change a person. was that why i began to see those ghosts? or were they there anyway? i mean, if i'd loved him less and not bothered about everything then? or was it that i didn't love him enough that made me so jealous? was that why those 'cannibals' as he called them.. was that why we came to such grief? i thought i was so close to him. sometimes he said he was also close to me. one time he said it with certainty. if only i could have followed him, all the time. there's so much to keep pondering... so many questions, sometimes i don't know which way is which, and i get completely..."

darken more.

saturday morning, 4:40am to be exact - i watched the ending of control with my mother before i went to do fieldwork; for she insisted on cooking me breakfast. i dyed my hair to its natural dark brunette tone, and currently i am watching bergman's hour of the wolf interview.

i believe i am mourning you. everything is darker, but i'm enjoying it now. i miss your mouth, but in actively missing i remember the void. i am more passive of a actor today. is mourning the right word when you don't want it back? i suppose i cannot communicate this properly since i've acknowledged this emptiness, yet slightly fetishistic over the thought of being so. sullen salting, salutations and salivations.

duet : adolph gottlieb.

as i walked away from my last exam (3 in the last 16 hours and one friday) and while heavy in conversation with matt about artists statements, a mind seed was spontaneously conceived. its contents carried over onto paper and it started to grow there after. key clicks aren't very nourishing for the dimensions of this. i do believe its been shaking inside of me since cate and i's brooklyn saturday but my exam preparation muffled it out. i am surprised it pushed through all the pressure. pressure building up from my thigh as well. now, everything seems to be equilibrating. i haven't been this excited in some time, oh foxy.

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condensed vision: radioactivity of carbon-13 and its metaphoric power and mid-western medical schools. i think i really found my tree, my branch, my perfect little nest. i thought of all my favorite things and came up with placement for the cream on top.

---

amanda iss supposed to come over and turn me into the natural brunette, which i haven't been in years; my attempt to getting to my core. i was planning to pay her in squash goodness, but it is already 6:28. squash gratin for lunches to come. dinner for one, my usual.

my stomach is grumbling. i suppose this is how my stomach responds to it's real first day of school stress freedom. oh - since i've been at laura's for the past two days, i've become very close friends with 'smart dogs'? freakish and phallic looking, but a delicious meal. i'm usually anti-fake meat or any vegetable that looks like it, however: one dog kept me filled for 5 hours, kale can't do that for me.

i just got an email about a summer mammalian research position in chile?

i've been running to this so much,

since i don't have any time in the day to talk to cate besides our 'goodmorning's and 'ah this is too good to be true's. but i need to spill all this out.... after another 6 hour stretch of biochemistry in a lonely dimly lit desk, i went to the campus center and watched 'girls like us'

"the 1997 award winning documentary by Jane Wagner and Tina DiFeliciantonio, “Girls Like Us”. The documentary reveals the conflicts of growing up female by examining the impact of class, sexism, and violence on the dreams and expectations of young girls. Open discussion will follow screening."

with all these ladies - and it was like a mental purge.

watch this, half related, not really about the film tonight:

i'm not in bed yet,

because matt is telling how much he loves donald judd and tortoise. i still think this looks like an urban outfitters or ikea shelf. i really don't understand it nor do i respect it.

overcomplicate me, make me feel minuscule, hurt me on some level, let me lose it in vertigo or pain it in a headache - i want to fall into it, art, literature, experience. something simple cannot register in this head. look like mushrooms, i mean fuck look at the biochemistry of proteins and what/how they fold - so detailed, ruled, inexplicable in it's exact process, just humans trying to grapple at its complexity. things that seem above me are the only things i feel are valuable.

this was "our meeting in the middle" mark di suver. mhm - tragic, cancerous oxidation. i'd read rilke to it.

it's a robert motherwell kind of day.

this is how i feel.

branching.

adrienne rich's reading tonight spun me around into a new vibration. i have an answer to some reoccurring persistent thoughts: forest and neurons on the mind.

long ago i loved you so much, nowadays i just don’t know much anymore. i can’t say what is real" - peter and the wolf

i need a lift.

morning read.

Indian Women Find New Peace in Rail Commute

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/16/world/asia/16ladies.html

and a comment that stuck out:

"My point is, it's easy to take an armchair anthropology stance and stamp the "backwards" mark on foreign cultures, but we're not terribly different in some ways. Kudos to India for at least trying to make it just a bit easier for women to get on with their days." -Nadine, Pennsylvania. September 15th, 2009

dear cate,

watch this, this is what i do on the daily :)

http://exploratorium.edu/imaging_station/hbvideo.php?Asset=GFP%20%3Cem%3EC.%20elegans%3C/em%3E&Width=720&Height=530&Location=gal_media/celegans/celegans_gfp/celegans_gfp_hb.swf

lovingly,

silvana

effect missing.

there's a bug somewhere under my skin who is oozing into a malfunction. i can't get at it. i feel uncomfortable in my own skin with no solution in sight: day to day.

robert motherwell.

butternut squash soup and pumpkin pie for dinner. i was born in the best season. and along those best kind of lines, i saw cate was reading nausea so i decided to cracked it out again. i hope it'd sort out the thoughts in my brain and under my skin. neurotics to cure neurosis, hm logic?

"feelings are just how things feel to us; neither 'objective' nor 'subjective' but both, since all 'things' are the result of an interaction with body-mind and the external world. it is natural to rearrange or invent in order to bring about states of feelings that we like, just as a new tenant refurnishes a house" rm.

gorky and i.

feeling it.

why am i awake?

5am vole trappings in cranberry bogs leads to burzum.

entry due to cate's phone dying.

i got a package from belgium today, oh goody! after my first day of classes, i left loving my molecular bio/biochemistry professor; he has a ponytail. princeton, holmdel, highland park tomorrow: happy birthday now non-absent father. veruca salts' america thighs continuation...
OH! and i'm watching this tonight

reconnect to past solutions: very proud of ya

take nothing from nothing and you'll have nothing left.

my muscles stiffen through the day.
discomfort never goes away.

someone should throw me away. i feel like a garbage can.
throw me away, i've got no use.
throw me away, i'm nothing to lose.

and it makes me sick, god - it makes me sick.

i can't compete, I can't impress you. I guess I'll show you the door.
throw me away, i feel like shit.
i am useless. i know i know nothing at all.
i'd take a stand, but i know i'd fall.
i'd run head-down into a wall and watch my blood run faster.

girls laugh and pass me on the street.

you're not content until you're brought down,
and you're always so alone because you can't be found.
you're soul is black and you're filled with hate.

let nothing shade your vision, even fight to keep it clear.
what was it i was thinking, or was i even thinking at all?
when i think of what i thought back then, then i'm ashamed,
and i'm appalled that i gave up all i was so easily
throw me away, i've got no use.
throw me away, i'm nothing to lose.
throw me away, i feel like shit.

i am useless. i never seem to feel well.

forever unlucky, cause i'll own tomorrow. forever unwanted, outcast today.
i'm not mislead, i've got no one to follow. everywhere to go, no place to stay.
i always seem to look like hell.
it seems like everyone can tell my mind is going numb.

i'd purify the world with one primal scream, but no one would listen.
keep dark secrets to myself, because no one else will talk to me.

i don't know what's going on, but i don't wanna do it wrong.
don't wanna contradict myself with all the words I sing.
don't, don't ever let go.

i'm going backwards to reset the future mindset i need.

i put on 25 lbs. i can't continue this way. i have to change my thinking. i am cocooning until i'm a human being again. sorry internet, i just had to visualize this thought.