cigars smoke and much more smoke.

these ones smell even better. the peonies override the smokey smell i've been coming home with.

i went to the beach today; it made me shower.

nihilistic readings today.

the roses smell so deliciously pleasant, the whole apartment has its

aroma. it is nice to calm down alone here after last night's wildness.

"suddenly i stop but i know it's too late i'm lost in a forest, all alone. 

the girl was never there, it's always the same. i am running towards 

nothing again and again and again and again and again... and again."

autographed cards.

i just came home from the Faith Ringgold exhibition/silent auction - totally and completely beat. i sat down to a packet of oatmeal and it tastes like cookie dough? odd. i over exhausted my brain into these kinda things. 

ringgold's work makes me have faith in humanity again - please bright future come our way//

brought me to you.

i just walked in from jillian's. i saw masaya's third grade fiesta play/musical? hands down, amazing adorableness. best way to celebrate my aquatic insect collection turn in, A+. it feels nice to actually be rewarded for your studies.  so, officially done with the semester. 

now, i have some jeanette winterson art and lies and margaret atwood oryx and crake to keep me company tonight. ALSO! jillian put on the alfred kinsey documentary to show me how an entomologist became the father of sex studies, blew my mind. i've been in a good place these past two days. now, back to books, blanket, and avett brother albums.

hey cate, look i'm not miserable

i'll be done with exams in a few more days. i plan on seeing everyone i've been neglecting. "bed is for sleeping" - matt sweeney & bonnie "prince" billy and lilacs are :)

john's 21st.

laura made john this cake, while i made john steak and bought him whiskey. i figured getting him the two things i'd never touch would show him i love him. he seemed happy. the actual day part of today sucked, hard. i'm thinking of a new radical way to help my brain feel okay again - still thinking.

oh and i picked this easter-ish flower. 

the journal of medical entomology.

as i sit here in douglass library polishing up my medical entomology paper on Chagas Disease, i curiously look up this word because i didn't feel i reeaaaaally knew its communicative implications. [side note: issues with effective communication have been dominating my mind because of all the readings on Conceptualism in Brazil/Venezuela in the 60-80s period. my mind is constantly fucked] anyways, so the word was...

Sylvatic - is a scientific term referring to diseases or pathogens affecting only wild (sylvan means forest-dwelling) animals. In the context of animal research, its opposite is domestic, which refers to pets, farm animals or other animals which do not dwell in the wild.

it's in the context on my name, sylvatic as a synonym for silvan and if you step in a little closer, silvana. can this explain the instabilities i find in domestic/stable settings? do i crave it as something i was never meant to have? could it?

peep manhattanmoma.

Stephen Shore (American, born 1947), U.S. 97, South of Klamath Falls, Oregon. July 21, 1973, Chromogenic color print

i honestly feel like this stephen shore print. my mind is the mountain that could be in this landscape but it isn't - it is far removed and a fictive work of someone's hand and put here. it's optical and it fools with your perception. from far away - it could fool you. you'd think it'd belong - coexist. it doesn't.

i'm researching mira schendel for my final paper and these early felt tip pen drawings are intensely vibrating to the confusion i feel. where is the instructional manual?

Mira Schendel, Brazilian, born Switzerland. 1919-1988, Untitled, 1960, Felt-tip pen on paper, 103.5 x 70 cm, Collection Adherbal Teixera, © 2009 Mira Schendel Estate

to:

neither do i have the time to think about something to write here nor can i think straight. my mind's been off kilter. it's all dark.

sleepy puppy.

i have a mountainous heap of work to finish, and i'm a sleepy puppy.


but it's a-okay. and i cannot stop listening to this song, or actually this whole album, oh the beautiful men.
"slow decay, I won't stop fighting you! who do you think that is there? i came to fight. i am in the air. i always fall in these fights, I know why and from the best strains of life, I don't write, controlling the age, it takes a toll on my brain. now who do you think that is there? only call them when I know I don't see them, i only call them when I know I don't see them"

http://www.myfriendstoldmeaboutyou.com/
cate, let's find this and watch it. it's only 26 minutes. i know it looks like a lot of moves we've seen, but it's still like all the good ones we've seen. - pretentious maybe, so it's been quoted.

woooooooooooooooooooo.

haven't been sleeping - just rushing to get work done, etc etc etc.
but importance -

i got into BCP! fuck yes - i'm happy i am alive. Biomedical Careers Program at Robert Wood Johnson Medical School. You have
been placed in BCP Level III - hello medical summer. sup!

i don't know how this is going to fit into my genetics grant program but whatever, acceptance is acceptance.

fluffballs and killers.

"But 2008 TC3's pieces are strange even for ureilites: they are riddled with an unusually large number of holes, says Zolensky. "It boggles the mind that something that porous could survive as a solid object," he says."

"Knowing what asteroids are made of will be crucial if we ever need to deflect one, says Yeomans. NASA aims to provide decades of warning if any killer asteroids are headed for Earth so that a strategy can be devised to avoid a collision. That strategy will differ for various asteroids, which can range from "wimpy ex-cometary fluffballs", to solid rock, to slabs of nickel-iron, says Yeomans."

"Today's surveys have found almost 90% of near-Earth objects with a diameter of 1 kilometre or larger, says Yeomans, but smaller rocks can easily slip by unnoticed. Discovering 2008 TC3 was like finding "a man in a dark grey suit 50% farther away than the Moon", says Kowalski"

AND, Saturn's moon - Titan has a Cryovolcano "which, in the cold of the outer Solar System, would spew a slurry of ice and liquid hydrocarbons, instead of lava." yo wild! ice spewing volcanoes!

it makes me happy to read witty reporting in Nature.

cinco de mayo.

latin huge burritos, yum-yum-yum. we had the nicest waitress too. an hour break turned into 4 hour break but whatever, i feel human and amazing again. hi life.



oh psssssf, after this week of exams and applications, i am definitely having a huge easter party. martha is f-ing brilliant. i wish my job was to spread wholesome cutest like this around. THIS IS HEAVENLY.

now i select you.

i woke up to the candle being on again, uuugh, and on my chemistry papers. i'm bad. so now, i've been in this darn library since 9am writing out mechanisms, and surprising i got a free veg lunch from MAWSA (mid-atlantic women's studies association). i love my state university. i was getting sluggish and POOF! free yummies. i took a program book on their workshops, cool topics addressed. maybe i'll take another break. i seriously live in this library.



cate's coming to nb tonight - i get to see my mamabee :)
she's all the love interest i need. - sidelines are much safer. when i need a spine, i have my shelves to resort to. i wish i could go to these fem classes.

dirty river, let me swim.

research + mechanisms today.
i miss cate; brain explosion after tuesday night

i cleaned the woodchips out of my car.

ha, cate i just posted on yours! i'll write something later. now, on to be being productive: organic chemistry, swiss miss, and witchcraft.

weekend:
dance dance, very berry pancakes, greatness, gross things, yum yums.

little black ache.

most of my morning hours are either spent: 

A.) reading

B.) organizing my oncoming day

C.) daydreaming in my little notebook

neither of which are studying organic chemistry, woe is me. i got a TB shot this morning. one step closer to opening the minds of young, sickly UMDNJ children and downloading so great images in them. i wish cate lived here with me - every moment would be greatly improved. the huge existentialist-ic talk we was like the vicks vapor rub for my illogical brain. obviously, i will much better and will continue it. i want to abolish a few more empty words out of my vocabulary. as for now organic :(, bishop allen and broccoli will continue.

"Chasing my excuses to the end of the night
Tried to make a friend, but it ended with a fight
I don't know why, and I don't know when
But my keys have found a way to lock me out again
Sleeping on the subway in my interview tie
Wander through the rain, sit and wonder why
I haven't got a plan, I haven't got a clue
I've only got one lonely thing that's gonna see me through

I got my little black ache
My little black ache won't fade "

lexicon.

"But we don't deserve all this. It's not fair. We are born innocent, prepared to love and to live. We long for - and we truly deserve - a good world, but the world is not good. It victimizes and defeats us by the sheer weight of its insanity. Still, in the end, crying out in bewilderment and rage, our fundamental feeling of innocence remains, alive and invincible."

bikinis.

today was a great productive day. we went out to dinner, where i proceeded to up spit up everywhere. the noodles got mad at me and so then didn't feel so nice in my belly. i saw a handsome puppy; i should own him [grizzly]. now, at this moment, i am lazy bedbugging it with this john updike novel. i pray i wake up feeling awesome.