capital B.

i'll communicate again with the world when i can recognize my reflection. i'm 38% of who i feel i need/want to be and 32% of what i used to be. it's hard to be efficient when you yourself are deficient. no negativity, just an entrance into this uncharted way of movement. i can't live with binary organization or its condemnation. living, an active verb.

other people do things, trying to enjoy otherness, celebrate their successes, and one day my ownness.

s.

i am the ugly duckling salamander. kick in the brain. one zero, zero, twenty. things i thought were for the best were not. it is an awkward stage i created. set fire to it, burn it all to zero.

HI EARTH BABIES!

morning to afternoon, worm wiggles & farmer markets down the street. i finished my abstract and grant proposal, such productive day. wigggle wiggle wormin' it.

no birdgod is going to save you, edward.

wonderful, hunter s thompson. cate, we're going to be the change for the world.

i can do something that no one else can do, something important, maybe even necessary.

netflix recommended this to me, amazing watch. 100% re-watch-able, almost inspiring if you take it metaphorically. check it out on imdb.

"i want my costume to tell people that they shouldn't give up, no matter how alone they sometimes feel, because anything is possible"

my mind's like rattling bingo balls, i need to seek out a place to help me achieve the help i need to stop. a place like an eggnest, where the twigs are as external capillaries that feed me all the life sustaining nutrients i need. i want to need and never to want again. necessity, nestcity.

babies eyes are much more dramatic.

my hours were in pediatrics this morning, left me with a lot of new thoughts. it's good human preventative medicine, well on the non-acute visits. i think i really liked it. especially since i'll never have children. hm, thoughts need to coalesce.

maggie may.

my mom is an amazing shirt-shrinker, even thought i still swim in it. it's like a body blanket. moving past all that, cate came over tonight :) we filled our brains with plans and out bellies with dairy-free mint choco chip. the air smelt like up and coming wonderfulness. i feel more at ease. now back to monosodium glutamate abstracts, fffff. cate, get home safe.

black in new drinking glasses.

in all my 'ehs' with cate last night, the verbal detox has depressed me past sea level. i'm become so black in thought. yo, fuck. brainnnnnnnnn issues. i want to crawl into a bed that doesn't belong to me nor to anyone else, someplace that no one holds ownership. 

there are so many territories that i know i do not belong in. 

so i'll continue to lay down with beirut and my legs up - blood rush, suppress my thoughts until the awkward, awkward fathers' day dinner. i'll probably even up at another bar, sipping hot chocolate like last christmas eve.

 pity party for one.

dear society,

CHANGE!

integrity: world, please adopt it. i want to love you

and have you be good to me in return. i'll be the

hardest working bee amongst your children, please.

chilean flash slap.

thoughts on eugenio dittborn occurred to me today.

"The airmail painting has been Dittborn's primary occupation since 1984. The works in this exhibition were executed on large sheets of cotton duck, then folded and sent in envelopes through the international mail system from his home in Santiago, Chile to New York. The envelopes are of his own design, and he provides relevant information on them, from an itinerary of a painting's travels to a description of the piece. The airmail envelopes are considered a key component of the work, and are always exhibited alongside the image. His pictures impart a clearly humanistic message, with undertones of skepticism and irony."
[http://www.artseensoho.com/Art/A&BONIN/dittborn98/dittborn.html]

miss laura diaz...

made me dinner.

the bunny put me in bed,

and yes, for basically the whole weekend. my parents had to nurse me back to health. for the hours i wasn't in bed, i went to kwam's with cate and had ourselves  a delicious, outdoorsy, dino-fill,  fun-tastic time.

i suppose it was all the hours of resting and thinking in addition to the wounded-ness i was feeling from the allergic reaction, but i started thinking very much like a female; and that mindset is never good. next point, considering today is monday, it is day #1 of resisting stress.

my mom got me the book "the cortisol connection" and i am learning the specifics of how stress ruins your tissues and exhaust your endocrine system. i get overwhelmed too often and even though, it is justified, i need to find a healthy way to dispose of it. thus, day one. 

alexander alexandria.

alexander library then watched the fall and the little romanian girl was named alexandria. tarsem made it incredibly beautiful, 100% every shot. cinematographic cannot even be used here, brain explosion! concept and it's orientation, oh wow. dear cate, i will fingertickle your brain. also - the air smells great outside, right now - like fresh cut grass and jasmine/honeysuckles. 

david.

this was my weekend.

it is thundering/raining insanely, not sure of venturing into it is worth neuroanatomy. i'm scared of both so why not a double whaaaaaammy. i miss cate & brittany & the polar bears, oh leisure.

cigars smoke and much more smoke.

these ones smell even better. the peonies override the smokey smell i've been coming home with.

i went to the beach today; it made me shower.

nihilistic readings today.

the roses smell so deliciously pleasant, the whole apartment has its

aroma. it is nice to calm down alone here after last night's wildness.

"suddenly i stop but i know it's too late i'm lost in a forest, all alone. 

the girl was never there, it's always the same. i am running towards 

nothing again and again and again and again and again... and again."

autographed cards.

i just came home from the Faith Ringgold exhibition/silent auction - totally and completely beat. i sat down to a packet of oatmeal and it tastes like cookie dough? odd. i over exhausted my brain into these kinda things. 

ringgold's work makes me have faith in humanity again - please bright future come our way//

brought me to you.

i just walked in from jillian's. i saw masaya's third grade fiesta play/musical? hands down, amazing adorableness. best way to celebrate my aquatic insect collection turn in, A+. it feels nice to actually be rewarded for your studies.  so, officially done with the semester. 

now, i have some jeanette winterson art and lies and margaret atwood oryx and crake to keep me company tonight. ALSO! jillian put on the alfred kinsey documentary to show me how an entomologist became the father of sex studies, blew my mind. i've been in a good place these past two days. now, back to books, blanket, and avett brother albums.

hey cate, look i'm not miserable

i'll be done with exams in a few more days. i plan on seeing everyone i've been neglecting. "bed is for sleeping" - matt sweeney & bonnie "prince" billy and lilacs are :)