now i select you.

i woke up to the candle being on again, uuugh, and on my chemistry papers. i'm bad. so now, i've been in this darn library since 9am writing out mechanisms, and surprising i got a free veg lunch from MAWSA (mid-atlantic women's studies association). i love my state university. i was getting sluggish and POOF! free yummies. i took a program book on their workshops, cool topics addressed. maybe i'll take another break. i seriously live in this library.



cate's coming to nb tonight - i get to see my mamabee :)
she's all the love interest i need. - sidelines are much safer. when i need a spine, i have my shelves to resort to. i wish i could go to these fem classes.

dirty river, let me swim.

research + mechanisms today.
i miss cate; brain explosion after tuesday night

i cleaned the woodchips out of my car.

ha, cate i just posted on yours! i'll write something later. now, on to be being productive: organic chemistry, swiss miss, and witchcraft.

weekend:
dance dance, very berry pancakes, greatness, gross things, yum yums.

little black ache.

most of my morning hours are either spent: 

A.) reading

B.) organizing my oncoming day

C.) daydreaming in my little notebook

neither of which are studying organic chemistry, woe is me. i got a TB shot this morning. one step closer to opening the minds of young, sickly UMDNJ children and downloading so great images in them. i wish cate lived here with me - every moment would be greatly improved. the huge existentialist-ic talk we was like the vicks vapor rub for my illogical brain. obviously, i will much better and will continue it. i want to abolish a few more empty words out of my vocabulary. as for now organic :(, bishop allen and broccoli will continue.

"Chasing my excuses to the end of the night
Tried to make a friend, but it ended with a fight
I don't know why, and I don't know when
But my keys have found a way to lock me out again
Sleeping on the subway in my interview tie
Wander through the rain, sit and wonder why
I haven't got a plan, I haven't got a clue
I've only got one lonely thing that's gonna see me through

I got my little black ache
My little black ache won't fade "

lexicon.

"But we don't deserve all this. It's not fair. We are born innocent, prepared to love and to live. We long for - and we truly deserve - a good world, but the world is not good. It victimizes and defeats us by the sheer weight of its insanity. Still, in the end, crying out in bewilderment and rage, our fundamental feeling of innocence remains, alive and invincible."

bikinis.

today was a great productive day. we went out to dinner, where i proceeded to up spit up everywhere. the noodles got mad at me and so then didn't feel so nice in my belly. i saw a handsome puppy; i should own him [grizzly]. now, at this moment, i am lazy bedbugging it with this john updike novel. i pray i wake up feeling awesome.

ear ache and heated salt socks.

ear ache :(
cate came to keep me company last night and it was a godsent. this morning, currently, cate's in the shower - it's splendid to have my best friend so close. anyways... now back to enolates and their ambident behavior. i'll smile around lunch time.

recent limbo images.

david, the sass pot:

a display from today:

friday en route to lab:



good company tonight. i checked out a john updike. atleast i'm getting a load of reading done? eh.

fishy.

tonight:


"Curated by Jillian Hernandez
LANDMARKS features video and photography work by up-and-coming women artists that utilize nature as a performative space. Representations of female bodies in nature are conventionally informed by conceptions of "mother nature" and pastoral beauty. In the 1970s, feminist artists such as Mary Beth Edelson and Ana Mendieta made interventions into the depiction of women in nature in Western art history by articulating what they believed to be a uniquely "feminine", empowering connection to the natural world that had been suppressed in patriarchal societies. Women artists working today are asserting a more complex relationship between the body and nature by utilizing the landscape as a site of reinvention, play, survival, violence, and sexual expression. "

it's the only thing that's keeping a happy. nothing else good to say. i spent the weekend at my mom's in a bulimic stupor, really ridiculously disappointed in and at myself. i feel awful and would prefer to keep to myself for the rest of my break, just studying organic and drinking the only thing that helps, lemon water. i feel really abnormal; and i wish i didn't write any of this down, ffffffffffff. hjdgvhdgvhdvcircclecirclecirlle

yum yum belly cakes.

brian came home and brought this recipe with him. strawberry stuffed vegan cupcakes with choco-chocolate icing, yummmmm.

if somebody's got soul.

i just came in from a bonfire at john's old house, it was divinely perfect and exactly what i needed. the smell has taken residence in my clothes and in my hair; i love it regardless. i thought a lot about events. i wish i had someone to come home to and curl up wallace&gromit style with, a best friend, a female - cate, i really think we need to make this happen. you and i roommating. similarly, laura and adriana have been the pure definition of wonderfulness these past few weeks. i do feel much better in their presence and i couldn't ask for better friends but when the world slows down i realize i cannot shake this loneliness.

real life hello. i am going to bed.

metric's new album.

i locked myself out of my apartment and car during the hours i was supposed to finalize my paper. i only have to conclude but that is the last verb i feel like doing.

oh martha!

marthastewart.com





i wish i could be happy with the change of a dress.  i surround myself with amazing books and lady music, why am i still so lonely? pssssssssf. baby animals come say hello.

desk against the window.

it's been grey for days and i love it. lucky, all these papers have been keeping me in the library: good life. i carry almond milk in little old vodka bottles? yeah, hm.

cate weekend, le duh - must be great.

cate came over, we're eating HUGE strawberries and writing :) i wish life was always like this. almond milk makes me drink coffee without sugar, cool! one step closer to black.

disclaimer: that is my mom's lady flannel.

"The UP" of the up and down.

6am yesterday: on my way to my mom's for the weekend because she asked to have me around since she's been so down. the sun was as orange and bright as a pumpkin - i took it as a sign for the amazingness that would proceed.
i had breakfast with my mom and then sat down to write my analysis of zeno's conscious and my latin art paper.  cate rescued me from the mundane world of academia and we had wonderfully pleasant day in bradley beach/asbury. it was full of beautifully tattooed men, tomcat bakery tattoos that i am in love with, shorts!, great music & drives, stories, descriptive sounds, coffee's with almond milk and no sugar, and pumpkin vegan treats.

killed it!

exam went super well. adriana bought me a cookie and coffee before hand, what a lucky, lucky rabbit she is to me. lab was in and out for the first time all semester. and i'm ending the evening with a bottle of jersey blue, new obsession for so many reasons besides its blueberry goodness eep! cate, come puppy dance with me! good days again. summer, summer, summer, so soon!

paper writing weekend + cate kitty cake + grizzly music


i'm showing the world my underbelly, i submit. i'm being timidly nice. be nice to me, life.

and it's still coming down.

a snowstorm? really god? i appreciate the remainder, pfffff. oh well, blitzen trapper & latin images :) exam thursday woo!

processes of communication & salt requirements.

http://hemingwaysouthcarolina.com/sounds/queenpiping.wav
piping - is postulated that it's a form of battle cry announcing to competing queens and the workers their willingness to fight. it may also be a signal to the worker bees which queen is the most worthwhile to support. the piping sound is a G♯ or A♮. the adult queen pipes for a two-second pulse followed by a series of quarter-second toots.
a battle cry of empowerment and need to be solitary, hm. personally not so much. i honestly feel great, like really 87% enjoying my existence until i let someone get too close and for some reason i loss all life sustaining logic and become ridiculously awkward. i talked to nick about it, figuring of all people he'd be able to pinpoint why i get so pained by these sort of human to human experiences. i expected some skewed, asshole remarks and i was remarkably wrong. he had an enlightened hypothesis. it actually resonated to my way of thinking, so i concluded that... i really do need to float superficially with the opposite sex for very long time or maybe even ever until 'someone' is worth and deep enough to plunge into. i took his words as saying i find too shallow bodies (bodies of water) to plunge into. so metaphorically: i see a boy, think he's wonderful deep lake and i want to dive into it and really enjoy it, but i smash my nose into the concrete because all it was a rain puddle. so at the heart of this conclusion, i am to blame for misinterpreting. or maybe that's even an egotistical comparison. it's more like i'm a salt water fish and i keep finding myself in fresh water, thinking it'd be salt, and i die. for every other freshwater fish that water would taste delicious but i need salt.

that was quite a tangent, anyways, so i think nick actually said that i am crazy, on a high-horse, too , should take a vacation, and practice more cautiousness; all which i honestly do not think is neccessarally correct, except for the last one and maybe the first one. he doesn't understand my way of thinking, so i'm crazy, whatever. maybe he gets 12% of me but he's the closest i have understanding how i work out my thoughts. so a conversation worth having. i stopped crying, put on some makeup over my puffy face and stepped out of the door. then i returned home and i slept? no repression, i cleaned out the wound, stitched it, hide it only for the sake of keeping an infection at bay, and how there's no use on remembering its pain cause it's in the process of healing and it'll resume normally soon enough. it's biological.

i hope to see cate tonight and we will lick honeyed spoons and watch igor, maybe start an aquarium of our own.