slip it in, repeat repeat repeat.

i get so wound up

i feel so let down

once

how can i fix myself

when there are so many more serious issues to tackle.

how can people do this to dogs? let alone other people.

make me inherently tougher.

//

ffo ylgnibmun

the sheer number of revisions

=

my corpse like appearance/state of mind

i'm in hell, on a treadmill.

but i absolutely shouldn't complain.

japanese life is real.

this isn't.

it's the constant comparison leaving you without any self-justification

i'm very much alive and not miserable,

but i can't feel any of it.

butter on the toast of things face down.

why can't you be polite?

rounding the final 10 pages and a rough'n'tough revise.

please, let me (get through it) pass.

too much anxiety for this skin to take/ cyclic anxiety & desperation.

fall back, lay down, get up, die a little, :ll

itching & howling on black screens & mute.

cnn updates my morning on how the 2012 annihilation is true.

misery is a worldly plague.

Ichihara

&

natori, japan

this is heartbreaking

i am.

it's me, the eel again.

hello?

i keep reoccuring.

can't you see?

i think it's meant to be,

you & me.

i could crawl onto your

thigh and make it my home

forever.

i shock and tingle but i'm

real unlike the many of others.

i sigh, "it figures."

the only forevers in my life

are the figures.

they dominate my thoughts

and urge, plead.

they are ruthless,

yet i baby them with a relocation

far from my heart but still nestled in my skin.

emitthgin lavirra.

this time, it's more like larva,

whom my mind imitates every night.

i smoke them out with incense

and the burning of banana brulee wax.

it's so deep and metaphoric.

but in reality, they do die.

only then, am i allowed to sleep

or die a little in myself.

ritualized.

under my tongue, not from it.

ysuol

gnileefysuolysuolysyoly, and it looks like seriously.

or eel or oily, leefy, which sounds like flighty,

which again i know i am.

but i concentrate on the grim tank, cutting board,

evaporation, dry to the point of dissociation,

an even grimmer winter, and serious.

i remind myself that i l--- winter,

but again i cannot bare to handle that word

but bare, it has the wishing for bear.

impossible association because i am still institutionalized,

institutionalized still.

it looks and feels like a lousy, oily eel without a leaf

and its serious.

but again in clarification, an eel is not

deep fried and slice for the appetite.

an eel is found in the korean supermarket

as opposing the bowl of mudskippers,

both are dying,

in stark contrast, its the eel though.

[personal note: _______________.]

serehwemoh.